Baby...

I was going through my friend's blog when I came across pictures of little girl playing by the beach with her long hair down, red dress and chubby pink cheeks. It reminds me of how much I wish for a little girl of my own. How I wish I can have another baby!. I am very close to my mom and my sister so in my mind, I  always have this vision of having a daughter who will be close to me as I have been with my mom.

I could have another one or two or even three more if I so wish but at the present moment, my mind is made up. I am not going to have another baby with Mr. M. As much as I love my husband, he is just so busy with is work, he will not have time for another kid.

As it is, I am so busy doing everything that I could possibly do for my children. Of course Mr. R with T1D occupied most of my time. On top of that, there are the never ending after school activities ~ tae kwan do, swimming, piano, dentist, pediatrician and endocrinologist appointments and quran/arabic classes.

I hardly have time for myself anymore. I had to hire a nanny when Babe E was born so I could still keep up with everything. Balancing work and home life is extremely hard. If I were to even tell Mr. M about all this, he would just say "Take the kids out of after school activities" or "That's why I don't want to have more kids after Mr. N". I do not know how many times we argue when we found out I was expecting again after Mr. R.

I went through 3 miscarriages after Mr. R. I went to several Ob-Gyn to find out what was wrong with me. I almost gave up until I met this wonderful doctor who told that maybe I should take some herbs. I have multiple cysts and polyps on both side of my ovaries. I was told to schedule an appointment after 30 days of taking the herb to do an ultra sound to find out if the cysts/polyps were gone or at least shrink. Lo and behold, they are all gone and along with that good news, the ultra sound technician also told me that she saw a heart beat. What??? Heart beat? yes, a baby is in there. Yay!! I was ecstatic but Mr. M wasn't ! He was afraid that another baby will be born with T1D. To him T1D has rob our family of precious time and had given us so many heart aches. Not to mention I had so many issues this time too, maybe due to age factor??? hahaha...

Anyway, now that we have Baby E, Mr. M have been very happy with him. He will not go to anyone else other than his Dad. But the point is, I do not want to go through another heart breaking pregnancy where I was crying all the time because I was so tired to the point of severe exhaustion because I had to do everything for the elder kids. Don't get me wrong, I know Mr. M loves his children very much. Except that his work is taking so much out of him. I wish he would just walk away and find another job!

Oh well, I don't know why I'm putting this in my post except that I'm feeling a little blue today. The little girl in the red dress playing by the water evoked such strong maternal feelings in me. Alas, I know I will not be able to have daughter of my own. I will not have a daughter to go shopping with or even to call and gossip with when I get old. I'm happy with my 3 boys but culture dictates that once my sons are grown up, they are going to be away, to be someone else's husband and dad and they might not have time for their mom anymore.

I felt like a I have these silent tears sometimes for what could have happened but I have to accept that it is what it is. I am not going to have a daughter of my own...